I have something I’d like to say

Okay. So. I’ve been a little busy. Preocupied, even. 12 job applications in the last 2 weeks, attempting (and sadly failing) to finish my knit solar system (Damn you, Pinched Nerves!!), planning some baking (brownies, and phyllo appetizers!! Photos to come! I promise!!!) and all the other things that fill my life full to bursting, leaving me to ignore you, my Dear Internet. An unforgivable crime, I know.

But. Today, on my way down to the subway level (and I’ll admit, I was preoccupied with my thoughts at the time and might not have paid attention as well as usual), I ended up cutting off some dumb biddy (not that I’m feeling annoyed or anything) to get down the stairs. I was going round a corner, fairly quickly as is my wont, and heard this muttered “Christ!!” behind me. Oh, I’m sorry, Slow Person! Did I go too fast for you to realize I’d get to that spot before you did?? Also, how is it my fault that I got there first? I wasn’t trying anything, You. Walked. Into. Me.

And it’s hard not to add “Dumbass.” there at the end. . .

I’ve been having various conversations on this theme lately, one at lunch today even – the Rudeness in Public Transit Conversation. Or possibly the Thoughtlessness in Public Transit Conversation. Well, they’re basically the same thing, aren’t they?

People push in front of you to go slowly, people stand at the top/bottom of staircases or in doorways obstructing the way, etc. ad nauseum. And apparently, people resent others who go faster than them.

But. Why should I have to be the one who makes way all the time? Why do I have to pay attention to EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME?? I’m the one who moves out of the way on the sidewalk when the person going the other way doesn’t move out of my path. I’m the one who let’s the other person go first, the one who let’s someone have the seat I wanted, even when I’m having a terrible headache and really need to sit down. Not that they ask, in general.

So what if, on occasion, I don’t bow to other people’s needs? How often have I missed my train/bus/etc. because of staying behind the Slow Person Who Takes Up The Whole Pathway??

/rant

How was your day, Dear Internet?

And, just so you know, there will shortly be a much less rant-y post to follow. . .

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Hey 2012, what’s up?

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(Source: Nerd Boyfriend)

So. Do I have your attention now?

No? How about now??

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(Source: Who Is Matt Smith? )

Well, now that sexy men have gotten your attention, Dear Internet, I’ll get to my post. Which doesn’t actually have a whole lot to do with those images. Sexy as they are. . . Though, to be fair, I should probably even things out with some sexy woman action too. Just to be fair.

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(Source: Karen Gillan’s InStyle photoshoot

It’s a new year, and everyone’s getting all revved up about making resolutions and turning over a new leaf. Cause, you know, an arbitrary date management cycle has recommenced? Usually my resolution is that I won’t make any resolutions, cause it’s kind of a sham and hooey and they never get kept cause nobody ever makes really realistic goals for themselves. And then there are the tears and recriminations and apathy, and why start that vicious cycle when I only just jumped off the last one? Not that I’m a cynic or anything. But this year, something’s different. I’m at the cusp of making some changes in my life, and it just so happens that I want to start these changes now, at the turn of a new year. New Year’s Resolutions Bandwagon, you are being jumped upon by me, finally.

Grouped into a few areas, here are my goals for this new year:
1) Manage Money Like an Adult, dumbface
– don’t use the credit card as a crutch, if you can’t afford it, don’t go for it
– pay off the little bit of debt I’ve accumulated
– start actually saving money
– develop a proper budget

I’m planning on finally moving out sometime this year, so I really think I should buckle down and become an adult about money. Like now.

2) Get Healthy.
– start the process to diagnose a potential health issue I’ve been dealing with for the past six months
– develop a regular exercise schedule
– plan on changing some food habits, develop a healthy diet plan (where “diet” = the food I eat, not fad self-denial/starvation plan. Cause that shit won’t work for me)
– hike more. Lots more. And try to be more active in general

As I say above, I’ve been having some minor health issues since I finally got a job last spring. I guess the release of all the pent up stress of the two years previous messed up my system even more than I’d thought. And, having spoken with my doctor briefly about what’s going on, she agreed that we should definitely do some (wheeee. . .) testing and get to the bottom of things. And part of the treatment for the condition I might have developed include diet changes and increased activity. Which I wanted to do anyway. So. Win-win?

Now, what does this mean about my baking obsession?? Well, I’ll probably not change a whole lot, cause the things I bake, I bake them for other people. I’ll just have to pretty much not eat most things. And, I’ll probably start playing with new recipes, to test substitution options, and test the Healthy Baking Waters. But let me reassure you all now, there will still be pounds of butter. Cause, sorry margarine enthusiasts, it’s just better.

3) Make Decisions About Things That Have Been Pissing Me Off (finally)
– specifically, decide what I’m going to do about my choir issues. So there will be much research on choirs going on in the next few months
– find a decent paying Sunday choir gig, if possible. Cause I’m sick and tired of feeling like my opinion is invalid because I’m just-a-volunteer
– think about singing lessons, when I have more money at my disposal

4) Plan the Next Step, Career-wise
– start résumé revisions, cover letter writing, etc. well ahead of my contract ending
– start trolling job listings and job boards soonish
– think about where I really want to end up, and how each job I do apply to will help me achieve my goals in my career

5) Take the Time to Art
– use some of my cherished me-time to go back to sketching and painting
– play with new media, and mixing medias
– work on getting my technique back up to snuff, cause I’m feeling a bit rusty
– think about art classes, when I have some income to burn
– play with my craft obsessions and see how far I can push them into my art. Specifically, work on developing my own knitting patterns

During my vacation after Christmas, I worked on my first actual art project in YEARS. A friend of mine, with whom I have been lamenting letting our passion for our arts go in the name of practicality, challenged me to make something for her for Christmas. Well, being one effing-super-busy lady, I couldn’t do it in time for Christmas, so it became a post-Christmas project. And it felt good to be painting again. No, let me rephrase: it felt GREAT!! I’m about half done, so there’s more to do, but I’ve been putting off working on it a little because I don’t want it to be over. I guess I’m starting to realize just how big a whole I’d dug out of my heart when I decided to give all this up. So it’s time to start patching up that gaping hole, I guess.

I wish I could say I know it’ll all work out great. But I’m a confirmed pessimist and I’m not naive. But I can say right now that I am going to put everything into this, which is something I’ve avoided almost my whole life, and that’s both daunting and exhilarating. There are things at stake now!! I guess this is what it feels like to not be depressed? If so, I think I like it!!

I just read a great article about the physiological issues that might be at play in problems with maintaining weight loss. A lot of which makes good sense to me, especially since I watched my mom go through the whole crash-diet-massive-weight-loss-then-incremental-weight-gain thing my whole life. And I guess I could be discouraged since I’m likely to have to work hard at maintaining any weight loss I do accomplish, but it’s really nice to know that at least part of my overweight-ness can potentially be attributable to forces not entirely under my control. It’s kind of freeing, really. I’m also looking at the Mediterranean diet as inspiration for my new food resolutions.

Well. Anyroad, I think I’ve yammered long enough about this. Time to get back to work, Dear Internet!!

Any new resolutions this year for you, Dear Internet??

The posts that never come. . .

Okay. . . So much for resolutions like “I _will_ write at least one blog post a week!!” or “I need to finish talking about my bleep-ing Newfoundland trip!” or “I should sleep more!!!”

This “gainful employment” thing kinda sucks, aside from the money, the doing something awesome with my days instead of being eff-ing bored All. The. Time., the meeting new and awesome people, the money, and gaining useful experience for my CV. Did I mention the money? Cause two years of almost total unemployment paired with me still wanting some kind of life left me with one sad credit card statement. So money coming in is both very confusing and awesome. Confusing since it’s weird to see the bank statement increase bi-weekly. Though that does get sucked into the credit card pretty quickly.

And Christmas is coming.

Which leads me to a raft of excuses for why I’ll probably be AWOL for most of the rest of the year. See, I’m going to try to actually _do_ stuff in the next couple of months, along with working 5 days a week, singing Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays, knitting a stupid number of X-mas presents, going to the gym 4-5 times a week, and baking the usual ridiculous number of cookies. Plus several birthday treats for the several birthdays coming up, and finally making good on a couple of presents the boyfriend and I gave a couple of years ago. Heh, you heard right – a _couple_ of years ago. . .

We’re so awesome. . .

And, oh yes, I almost forgot Hallowe’en. Because 1. I’m actually trying to make a costume for the first time in years (I don’t know if you remember how old I am, but it’s pretty ridiculous, since I’m not 7 anymore. Not that there’s anything wrong with other people who dress up who aren’t 7, _I_ just feel ridiculous), 2. It’s my Mom’s birthday and I have a new recipe I want to make for her (it involves potatoes. My mom _loves_ potatoes in an unholy way), 3. I have to carve a ridiculous pumpkin (I might not _have_ to, technically. But this is me, and if I can be truly ridiculous, I can’t help but be even more ridiculous than that), and 4. There’s not enough time this weekend to come close to finishing everything I need to do. . . Unless I don’t sleep of course. . .

If only that were a feasible option.

In addition to making myself waaaaaayyyyyy too busy, I’m also in a kind of not awesome place, emotionally. Which is part of why I’m filling my days too full, so I don’t have time to think about things. I’ve talked about the problems I’ve been having with my choir before, so I won’t belabor that point. But it’s getting to the point where sometime in the near future I’m going to have to make a decision. And I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to leave a choir I’ve been a part of since I was 6. I don’t want to have to be the one to tell my church’s priest exactly what’s wrong and why I’m leaving the Sunday choir. I don’t want to be the one to tell my choir director why the choir isn’t as good as it could, no _should_ be (i.e. Her. . .). I’ve been talking about this off and on for the last few years, enough so that the boyfriend is probably a little fed up with me. But there’s a reason I’ve put off looking for another choir, that I’ve put off telling the people who need to know what they need to know, that I’ve remained (increasingly) frustrated about the situation I find myself in. One reason is the convenience of it – the church is literally 2 minutes away from my parents’ house. Which won’t always be the case, if I can keep up this fully employed thing and move out next year. But more problematic is the emotional attachment. I’ve sung at this place for more than two decades, my grandparents are buried in the cemetery on the church grounds, I know and care for a lot of people in the parish, it’s my Dad’s church, I’m friends with a significant number of members of the choir. And this is all tangled up together in a big jumble of emotion that pretty much paralyses me. I’m in a kind of straw-that-broke-the-camel’s-back kind of situation, and yet I can’t let myself do anything about it. Why should it be me that leaves? Why does it have to be me??

And after some gnashing of teeth and tearing of hair I came to a realization: for now, the good outweighs the bad. Just barely, but still. I’ve always been one to put friendship above my own needs, and why should I change that now? There are plenty of points at which I can reevaluate the situation, other times I can think about this.

In the meantime, I’m going to be looking at possible options. . .

Back to work! Any tough decisions on your plate, Dear Internet?

Oh crap, it’s been almost a month. . .

Ummmm. . . Oooops

My only excuse is this pile of excuses. . . 1. I went to PEI; 2. I had several job interviews; 3. I (with a friend) baked and decorated a three-tier cake for a friend’s bachelorette party; 4. I went to a bachelorette party; 5. I suddenly became all employed; 6. I made a party dress (with full lining) to wear for my friend’s wedding; 7. I went to Huntsville for a long weekend to celebrate said wedding; 8. I decided that sleeping was a good idea; 9. I had to take over for our fearless leader on the Wednesday night services I sing (including music selection, conducting, and knowing what the fuck is going on) for the last three weeks.

For some reason I was a bit preoccupied. I hope you’ll forgive me, Dear Internet.

I’m actually here with a tiny rant about nail polish – and not the hundreds of posts I’m intending to write in the near(ish) future. . .

Anyroad – Reasons Nail Polish On My Fingernails Is Annoying To Me:
(in no particular order)
1. My OCD is partly focussed on my fingernails, so polish just feels odd and distracting. So I inevitably end up picking it off within a few days of applying it. My record is a week after application. My other record is a few hours after application. . .

2. It never lasts very long on my fingers (certainly nowhere near as long as on my toenails), leading to excessive reapplication so as to not appear (too) unkempt. Which makes Lazy-Katie angry.

3. It never looks really good when I do it myself and Cheap-Katie is too cheap (and lazy, see above) to get it done professionally with any regularity.

4. Again, re my OCD, I hate letting my nails grow very long. And by “very long” I mean about 1-2 mm of length beyond the quick. This leads to insane trimmage urges. Which does not go very well with polished nails. For some reason.

5. Even though I love colour (to the point of insanity. And beyond), I’m apparently super-conservative about putting funky colours on my fingernails. I have a tattoo, but using blue polish feels weird to me. Don’t get me wrong, I like reds and pinks (occasionally purples, if I’m getting super-adventurous), but I find my choices kinda boring after a while. Not that that changes anything.

Ok. Apparently this rant isn’t so much about how I dislike nail polish on my fingernails as it’s a rant about how nutbar I am. Hmmmm. Oh well. . .

Here’s a photo of my most recent manicure (from the wedding):

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Not bad for four days later. It won’t last much longer, I can feel it.

But anyway, stay tuned for new posts coming up – more Newfoundland, PEI photos, some baking, my friend’s wedding weekend (and my pretty dress!!) – are all coming your way! Sometime this century. . .

Close to burning out here

Ok. I know I’ve been doing the mope mopey mope mope about having no job after next week, but after a week of sleeping very poorly (all told, less than 5 hours a night, and averaging under 3), terrible transit issues making the evil commute eviler, and having too much to do in the time I do have, I am totally about to implode.

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I know it’s very “First World Issues” of me, but I’m thinking I’m getting close to a mental break. Maybe if I sleep as much as possible this weekend? Sad as it is, I’m looking forward to going to bed early tonight. . . But I’ll exercise this weekend, which will hopefully help in the energy collapse problem I’m dealing with currently – I’m helping my dad tomorrow with fitting our ditches with river rock so we don’t have to mow the evil steepity of the ditches anymore. He’s had a heart health scare and I don’t want him to do _all_ the work himself. Plus, squats are good for the glutes and quads. And Sunday, the boyfriend and I are going to hike a new trail for us (look out for photos!!) before a yummy backyard BBQ! So that’ll be nice and relaxing.

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It feels kind of like I’m tearing in two right now. Part of me really needs to find a job, get working, start earning/saving/moving out of my parents’ place/growing up. But another part is feeling so stressed out right now that I’m pretty sure my immune system has gone completely haywire. And maybe excessive office air-conditioning isn’t helping out, but my internal body climate control is seriously on the fritz and I cannot sleep even if it’s mildly warm and slightly humid anymore. Which, thank you circularity, means that on top of everything it’s harder to sleep, and getting harder all the time. Thus making me even more twitchy and stressed out.

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It’s like this morning, while waiting for the subway, I hit a metaphorical wall. A mental roadblock, if you will. Waiting an extra 8 minutes for the subway due to a disabled train further back on the line became the one more thing that I couldn’t take. The piece of straw that the camel swore lustily at for all the back surgeries. It’s not a big deal really, nothing I haven’t gone through before (thanks, woefully underfunded transit system! You rock). But today it’s like part of me said, “You know what? No. No more.” and then went on vacation. Leaving the rest of my over-stressed self to take up the slack. But that rest of me is about to need back surgery too. It probably doesn’t help that I’m waiting to hear that I won’t get a second interview, that I have some horrible disease, and that my credit card will be hacked again. You know, something crappy. On edge would be one way to describe it. . .

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So here I am. Teetering at the edge of space. And I don’t know if I’d change a thing. Well, maybe I’d change my paycheque to a nicer, more useful number. But, as my mom wisely says, you can’t have everything.

At this juncture, if I were a doctor, I think I’d prescribe sitting on a patio on a balmy summer evening with a tall glass of refreshing malt (or liquor/mixed) beverage condensating on the table beside me while attempting to write the Great Canadian Novel. Though, I should probably stick to poetry to start . . .

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Though who knows how the muse will take me 😉

So despondency gets you places

So, after my moan-fest yesterday afternoon, I actually got a call to do a phone interview for a position I applied to a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t want to make much of it, cause of the two years of lovely rejection, but it was definitely nice to feel a little desirable, in the gainful employment sense. Especially now that I’m officially about to be back in the job market.

I was nervous about the interview (as always – new people, speaking on the phone. . . Not a good combination), and all morning I was variously jittery and half-asleep (I don’t know how many hours of sleep I got last night, but it certainly was a lot less than my body wanted . . .).

But the interview seemed to go ok. I wasn’t overly self-deprecating, I was even kinda confident I think. We actually ended up talking for a bunch over the expected time. Well, we’ll see if I get a face-to-face interview.

The moral of the story, Dear Internet, is to mope and gripe and whine about stuff until things go your way! Wait, that doesn’t sound right. What about, be overly hard on yourself about factors almost completely out of your control? No? Hmmmmm. . .

Maybe the moral of the story is to go to bed early if you have something nerve-wracking to do the next day, and especially if you just had a killer spin class.

Or maybe there’s no moral. But I guess I’d say that if you’re going through a period where it feels like you’re going nowhere and nothing’s going your way, keep at it, try harder. Distract yourself occasionally with shiny objects, and then get back to it and work even harder. Cause maybe the douches always come in first, but second isn’t a particularly bad place to be 😉

And who knows? The odds here aren’t highly in favour of me getting the job, they never are. I could be back to square one in a week, which is very scary. But I have a lot of things to do, and maybe a break would be useful.

How’s that for attempting glass-half-full?

Though it’s probably more like, why is there a glass with some water in it sitting on the counter? Who’s water is that anyway?